Bring in the coach

Ugh, small talk.  I am abysmal at small talk.  I dread meeting strangers and fumbling for appropriate words to connect.  It's wonderful when the other person has the ability to set me at ease and fills in the quiet spaces.

Today I had my first coaching session and it was both different and better than I had expected.  My coach, Liz, is great.  She started off by giving me a page about coaching (something to hold in nervous hands and to study in moments of panic) and by saying that she has the questions, and the answers are within me.  I really liked that. 

We had a long, mostly one-sided in my favor, conversation where I got to talk through some of the things I am concerned about and wanting to change.  I gave voice to something I have thought for awhile now, I am not an advisor.  Sure, that is my title and I do give advice about what classes to take, but to me, advisor implies someone who can listen, who can support you on your path and help turn you if you head off track.  Liz asked me what my title should be and I said 'student support specialist'.  That better encompasses the paperwork and robotic method to most of my days work.  I do get to talk and connect with students on occasion, but it is too rare.  My office annoyances all seemed to be around little things that sounded silly when said aloud.  Made me wonder why I let myself get worked up about things I don't even care about - I think it has more to do with ensuring that I retain some small measure of power/value within the office than anything.

We also talked about communication, or lack thereof in my department and how it frustrates me.  She asked me why I couldn't just go up to someone and ask them what it is they do and I had to admit that it is my problem - I worry they will not be interested in talking with me, or that it will be awkward, or turn in to a complaint-fest.  I'm not sure what to do about that.  Liz suggested maybe I could set up a larger get-together for people to talk and share about themselves, but I'm not sure I am comfortable doing that.

Another thing that struck me was the idea that the voice in my head isn't always truthful.  Negative speculation or thoughts may have no basis in fact, and by treating them as though they are, I give them power over me.  I need to think more about that.

My assignment for this week is to keep a list of when I feel negative - what happened right before hand, what is it about, etc.  The hard part will be to just write it down, not analyze or try to correct, just notice and record.  We'll meet again next week to work through  (scary!) the list.

So, yes, I had to talk to a stranger.  I was sweaty (and red faced most likely) and picking at my nails.  But I survived, and I was able to share a concern with another human being without worrying that they won't care or will judge me or 'tell' someone to get me into hot water.  Here's hoping I can get a clearer picture of where I am headed over the next few weeks.