Stalled

Call it what you want - lack of motivation, fear of the unknown, general indecisiveness...whatever you call it, I'm not making any forward motion.

I am doing a lot of thinking.  I am realizing that I have to learn to accept some things in both my professional and personal life if I am going to find a way to be happy with my life as a whole.  I am working with my coach, I am reading the books, reflecting when asked, but -

I am still on my own though.  I told myself that I would take the advice and 'reach out' to others during this journey.  I have tried, kindof, a little.  I do talk to people at the events, but I also retreat to pretending to have important messages on my phone if there is a big long pause where no one is near me.  I'm not walking up to anyone and saying 'hi, I remember from your introduction that you like cats, I like cats too.  Want to talk about our reactions to the book Good to Great?'  and the awkward quality of that exchange is exactly why I am not.  I can't even imagine it going better, but, oh, I know it could go so much worse.

I feel like the journey should be about stretching myself, being out of my comfort zone and growing.  I feel like I am not a very successful journeyer.  I don't like not feeling successful, but in a way I am not surprised. 

I am a sidewalk walker off on a bushwhacked trail.  I'm really just trying to figure out how to the the hell bakc to the sidewalk!!  My past and present define me. I am a military veteran, educated as an engineer who loves to be home with my family and read books.  I do not have truly close friends.  I call my mother out of obligation and haven't had more than Facebook-comment interaction with my brother in years.  It doesn't bother me though, they don't know me and I probably don't know them really, so why put a lot of effort just to meet social expectations?  I like lists and clear beginning and ends.  In fact, I love beginnings and ends!  That was one of the main reasons teaching was awesome, if it all went to hell in a handbasket, you could clean the boards in June and start with a totally different approach 2 months later.  Similarly, I love moving, and New Years, and painting.  Fresh starts!

Okay, I lost my train of thought there.  Anyway, back to the journey, or lack of journey really.  Paul said at the beginning that there were many trails leading in many directions and the only way to fail was to stay in the trailhead parking lot.  I feel like I picked a nice quiet and uninspired path, walked 10 yards to a convienent bench, and sat down to read.  The problem with this is that I am having trouble having a problem with it!  Sure, I want to 'suceed', but I have yet to find any value in pushing my comfort zone.  My small life is good.  Too many people, too much noise, too many distractions and I can't function.

So, what is this post about?  It's me rambling and trying to 'talk' my way into a decision or a feeling or an action.  btw, it's not working.  Maybe my journey was just to realize that I had already arrived, but didn't know it.