Ugh, small talk. I am abysmal at small talk. I dread meeting strangers and fumbling for appropriate words to connect. It's wonderful when the other person has the ability to set me at ease and fills in the quiet spaces.
Today I had my first coaching session and it was both different and better than I had expected. My coach, Liz, is great. She started off by giving me a page about coaching (something to hold in nervous hands and to study in moments of panic) and by saying that she has the questions, and the answers are within me. I really liked that.
We had a long, mostly one-sided in my favor, conversation where I got to talk through some of the things I am concerned about and wanting to change. I gave voice to something I have thought for awhile now, I am not an advisor. Sure, that is my title and I do give advice about what classes to take, but to me, advisor implies someone who can listen, who can support you on your path and help turn you if you head off track. Liz asked me what my title should be and I said 'student support specialist'. That better encompasses the paperwork and robotic method to most of my days work. I do get to talk and connect with students on occasion, but it is too rare. My office annoyances all seemed to be around little things that sounded silly when said aloud. Made me wonder why I let myself get worked up about things I don't even care about - I think it has more to do with ensuring that I retain some small measure of power/value within the office than anything.
We also talked about communication, or lack thereof in my department and how it frustrates me. She asked me why I couldn't just go up to someone and ask them what it is they do and I had to admit that it is my problem - I worry they will not be interested in talking with me, or that it will be awkward, or turn in to a complaint-fest. I'm not sure what to do about that. Liz suggested maybe I could set up a larger get-together for people to talk and share about themselves, but I'm not sure I am comfortable doing that.
Another thing that struck me was the idea that the voice in my head isn't always truthful. Negative speculation or thoughts may have no basis in fact, and by treating them as though they are, I give them power over me. I need to think more about that.
My assignment for this week is to keep a list of when I feel negative - what happened right before hand, what is it about, etc. The hard part will be to just write it down, not analyze or try to correct, just notice and record. We'll meet again next week to work through (scary!) the list.
So, yes, I had to talk to a stranger. I was sweaty (and red faced most likely) and picking at my nails. But I survived, and I was able to share a concern with another human being without worrying that they won't care or will judge me or 'tell' someone to get me into hot water. Here's hoping I can get a clearer picture of where I am headed over the next few weeks.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Boldly going...
Today I did something out of my comfort zone. I sent in a proposal for a presentation at the regional NACADA (an international advising community) conference. I hate speaking in public, but for once thought maybe I had something worth saying and no one else could say it.
At OSU I am a member of the Veteran Workgroup, and it is this amazing, dynamic and tireless group of people, most of which are NOT veterans, who are working to make the experience of that particular subgroup of students better. The group around the table represents all corners of campus and has helped OSU grow to be seen as the leader in the veteran service effort in Oregon. Go us!
So, I'm part of this great process, with both success and failure behind us, with hope and challenge ahead, and I thought - it's a story worth telling. I am knowledgeable about it, and no one else from the group is going to this conference. A few succinct (yes, I am capable of being brief...) paragraphs and one click of the mouse and off it went into cyberspace.
It may not be selected. I might not have to build up the further courage to actually TELL the story out loud. But I am proud of myself for putting the idea out there and saying that I am open to the opportunity. Part of me (a fairly sizable percentage) wants to pull it back and say 'just kidding!' but it's done.
Just writing the proposal made me realize how proud I am of what this group has accomplished, I am a small player but I get to share in the greater vision and success. It's not just a meeting every third Thursday, it's shared selfless service to make the student experience better. That to me, is what advising should be about, not just confirming course selections and issuing registration PINs, but working to make a difference for individual students.
At OSU I am a member of the Veteran Workgroup, and it is this amazing, dynamic and tireless group of people, most of which are NOT veterans, who are working to make the experience of that particular subgroup of students better. The group around the table represents all corners of campus and has helped OSU grow to be seen as the leader in the veteran service effort in Oregon. Go us!
So, I'm part of this great process, with both success and failure behind us, with hope and challenge ahead, and I thought - it's a story worth telling. I am knowledgeable about it, and no one else from the group is going to this conference. A few succinct (yes, I am capable of being brief...) paragraphs and one click of the mouse and off it went into cyberspace.
It may not be selected. I might not have to build up the further courage to actually TELL the story out loud. But I am proud of myself for putting the idea out there and saying that I am open to the opportunity. Part of me (a fairly sizable percentage) wants to pull it back and say 'just kidding!' but it's done.
Just writing the proposal made me realize how proud I am of what this group has accomplished, I am a small player but I get to share in the greater vision and success. It's not just a meeting every third Thursday, it's shared selfless service to make the student experience better. That to me, is what advising should be about, not just confirming course selections and issuing registration PINs, but working to make a difference for individual students.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Session 2 reflections
Well, when ponderous questions such as "Who am I" and "Why am I here" serve as the opening for a workshop, I know I am in trouble. I'm just not as comfortable putting my innermost thoughts into words as some people are I guess. I stuck to the safe, talk of job and past jobs, or family and education, rounded out by admitting that I'm still not sure about why I am here, and in a nod to honesty added that I was anxious that everyone else seems further on their path than me.
Shortly after Paul gave a talk where the main idea (at least for me) was that on a journey, everyone starts where they are and that is okay. It made me think of teaching where I used to say that wherever you are starting in (math/spelling/reading/etc) is fine, the only way to fail is to not move your skill level forward. I'd like to apply this to myself, but I don't know how to judge improvement when I haven't identified the subject area. So, although logically I know it is not a race and there is no grade, I am still having some anxiety about 'finishing' on time.
I really enjoyed the entire session and continue to be amazed at how calm and collected both Paul and Larry are when speaking. More about Larry's content later.
Shortly after Paul gave a talk where the main idea (at least for me) was that on a journey, everyone starts where they are and that is okay. It made me think of teaching where I used to say that wherever you are starting in (math/spelling/reading/etc) is fine, the only way to fail is to not move your skill level forward. I'd like to apply this to myself, but I don't know how to judge improvement when I haven't identified the subject area. So, although logically I know it is not a race and there is no grade, I am still having some anxiety about 'finishing' on time.
I really enjoyed the entire session and continue to be amazed at how calm and collected both Paul and Larry are when speaking. More about Larry's content later.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Dear Theresa, you're depressing!
One of the invitations before session 2 was to write a letter to yourself, to be sealed and delivered to you at the Journey's end.
Since I am still so unsure of what I hope to gain from this experience, I am trying to accept all invitations, I have a worry of 'doing it wrong' or 'missing something important' that will keep me from reaching whatever pinnacle it is I have yet to identify.
So, I wrote the letter today and it kind of turned into a journal and totally got away from me at points, but I tried to just let it flow unedited. Some of the things I wrote were hard to put in print, where someone might see them! I kept saying, "pen to paper, now! It's a letter to yourself, so you can see how much you grew in 4 months, not a manuscript for publication" but then I start thinking about the poor relatives who might have to suffer through my ramblings long after I'm gone and am reminded of why I do not keep a diary. The letter remains unshredded, invitation accepted, but I don't expect it to live long past its April delivery. The conversations I have with myself are not the perspectives I put forward as my identity, and I'd like to keep it that way. Plus, the letter was damned depressing.
Since I am still so unsure of what I hope to gain from this experience, I am trying to accept all invitations, I have a worry of 'doing it wrong' or 'missing something important' that will keep me from reaching whatever pinnacle it is I have yet to identify.
So, I wrote the letter today and it kind of turned into a journal and totally got away from me at points, but I tried to just let it flow unedited. Some of the things I wrote were hard to put in print, where someone might see them! I kept saying, "pen to paper, now! It's a letter to yourself, so you can see how much you grew in 4 months, not a manuscript for publication" but then I start thinking about the poor relatives who might have to suffer through my ramblings long after I'm gone and am reminded of why I do not keep a diary. The letter remains unshredded, invitation accepted, but I don't expect it to live long past its April delivery. The conversations I have with myself are not the perspectives I put forward as my identity, and I'd like to keep it that way. Plus, the letter was damned depressing.
How to stay foolish, and my emotional sense of smell
Tonight I read a copy of a commencement speech given by Steve Jobs. In it he referenced The Whole Earth Catalog, a publication I had quite frankly never heard of. He desribes the back cover of an issue in the 70's as having a photo of the open road with the quote "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish." His description of it, and the way he used this quote to sum up his own philosophy of the importance of following your passion left me with the overwhelming need to see this image.
Digital archiving and the internet to the rescue. It was odd scrolling the pages with listings so diverse I won't even try to describe them, you'll have to experience it for yourself. The odd part was I suddenly smelled old books. Just looking at the typewriter typeface and the microfiche-y edges to the scans made me think of something that has been around longer than me. Not much longer, the issue with the image I was hunting for was from 1971, but still old enough to have that musty-pile-of-magazines-in-the-back-room smell. I have always found old books to hold immediate appeal, and many of my most 'new' ideas or revelation causing works have been stumbled upon in titles no longer in print.
The catalog itself is not profound. Ambitious and unique for its time I read, but fun more than anything. Something I never would have found if not for the Steve Jobs speech being provided as a piece for potential reflection.
The image is grainy and reminds me of my parents pre-kids polaroid photo albums, full of slightly unrealistic colors and adventures they kissed goodbye when I was born.
But back to the tagline, Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish. According to Jobs it refers to living your life and not being trapped by the thinking of others, of boldly doing and trusting that it will all work out in the end. How can I 'stay foolish' when I have spent my whole life fearing making the wrong choices, or of being selfish in a way that would threaten my security or that of my family. Can a person intentionally learn to 'be' foolish?
I'm not saying I haven't made stupid choices, but that's not what it's about. Foolish in this context is perhaps better defined as doing what the world might deem stupid or inappropriate, but doing it anyway because it is right for you. Which brings me back to the question I have had since beginning the Journey program, what is right/important for me? Reflection so far has only pointed out what is not.
Digital archiving and the internet to the rescue. It was odd scrolling the pages with listings so diverse I won't even try to describe them, you'll have to experience it for yourself. The odd part was I suddenly smelled old books. Just looking at the typewriter typeface and the microfiche-y edges to the scans made me think of something that has been around longer than me. Not much longer, the issue with the image I was hunting for was from 1971, but still old enough to have that musty-pile-of-magazines-in-the-back-room smell. I have always found old books to hold immediate appeal, and many of my most 'new' ideas or revelation causing works have been stumbled upon in titles no longer in print.
The catalog itself is not profound. Ambitious and unique for its time I read, but fun more than anything. Something I never would have found if not for the Steve Jobs speech being provided as a piece for potential reflection.
The image is grainy and reminds me of my parents pre-kids polaroid photo albums, full of slightly unrealistic colors and adventures they kissed goodbye when I was born.
But back to the tagline, Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish. According to Jobs it refers to living your life and not being trapped by the thinking of others, of boldly doing and trusting that it will all work out in the end. How can I 'stay foolish' when I have spent my whole life fearing making the wrong choices, or of being selfish in a way that would threaten my security or that of my family. Can a person intentionally learn to 'be' foolish?
I'm not saying I haven't made stupid choices, but that's not what it's about. Foolish in this context is perhaps better defined as doing what the world might deem stupid or inappropriate, but doing it anyway because it is right for you. Which brings me back to the question I have had since beginning the Journey program, what is right/important for me? Reflection so far has only pointed out what is not.
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