It takes two to tango, and one of them is me

That's right, I bucked up and did not call in fake-sick *cough* *cough* to today's session.  There was definitely dancing and it was somewhat uncomfortable.  But there were also tiny moments when I felt like a different person, lighter on my feet - literally.

The message itself was artfully done, showing examples through different dance exchanges of how people interact in life, both as leads and as 'follow-throughs'.  The distinction between a follower and a follow-through is that a follow-through is an active part of the process, without whom there is no completion.  Anyway, I can't do Barbara's message justice, it was so smooth and effortless - just like her dancing.  She was also really funny, praising our beautiful moves while a chorus of "oops, I'm sorry about your foot" rang through the room.

For me, the most thought-provoking part of the session was actually on break, when one of the other journeyers and I were discussing our discomfort and I stated that I was 'okay' with the fact that I was not graceful and could not dance, and that I had never tried to change that.  She asked me if that was true in other parts of my life, that I don't even try things that I think I will not be great at.

I've had that thought about myself before, but just as I did then, I wonder now if it is a character flaw to not branch out and try things I see as doomed to failure, or if it is just part of my practical, efficient character to not waste energy in areas I will never be exceptional in.   More thinking to do on that one I guess.

Finding Satisfaction

My coaching goal this week is to notice the things in my life that bring me satisfaction.  It's a much better goal that a few weeks ago when I focussed on all the small things at work that were putting me in a bad mood.  I think writing them down made it worse, plus it made me feel like as much of a bad-attitude-complainer as the people I was complaining about!

So - here are a few of yesterday and today's 'moments of satisfaction'

- surprising Lawrence with a buffet-style dinner (his favorite)
- watching Mike and Lawrence play baseball
- finishing an assignment for my class
- having all the travel arrangements for the conference finalized
- a whole day where I asked every single student I saw something about their life outside academics
- I did not go out for Yogurt Extreme at lunch
- cleaned off a file that has been on my desk forever
- decided not to go to a documentary in Newberg (no stressful rush hour/nighttime driving, get home before 10, Lawrence doesn't have to go and be bored to tears)

It is much more fun to focus on what makes me happy than what was driving me nuts, and I don't feel as bothered by all that other nonsense as much this week either - coincidence?

Stalled

Call it what you want - lack of motivation, fear of the unknown, general indecisiveness...whatever you call it, I'm not making any forward motion.

I am doing a lot of thinking.  I am realizing that I have to learn to accept some things in both my professional and personal life if I am going to find a way to be happy with my life as a whole.  I am working with my coach, I am reading the books, reflecting when asked, but -

I am still on my own though.  I told myself that I would take the advice and 'reach out' to others during this journey.  I have tried, kindof, a little.  I do talk to people at the events, but I also retreat to pretending to have important messages on my phone if there is a big long pause where no one is near me.  I'm not walking up to anyone and saying 'hi, I remember from your introduction that you like cats, I like cats too.  Want to talk about our reactions to the book Good to Great?'  and the awkward quality of that exchange is exactly why I am not.  I can't even imagine it going better, but, oh, I know it could go so much worse.

I feel like the journey should be about stretching myself, being out of my comfort zone and growing.  I feel like I am not a very successful journeyer.  I don't like not feeling successful, but in a way I am not surprised. 

I am a sidewalk walker off on a bushwhacked trail.  I'm really just trying to figure out how to the the hell bakc to the sidewalk!!  My past and present define me. I am a military veteran, educated as an engineer who loves to be home with my family and read books.  I do not have truly close friends.  I call my mother out of obligation and haven't had more than Facebook-comment interaction with my brother in years.  It doesn't bother me though, they don't know me and I probably don't know them really, so why put a lot of effort just to meet social expectations?  I like lists and clear beginning and ends.  In fact, I love beginnings and ends!  That was one of the main reasons teaching was awesome, if it all went to hell in a handbasket, you could clean the boards in June and start with a totally different approach 2 months later.  Similarly, I love moving, and New Years, and painting.  Fresh starts!

Okay, I lost my train of thought there.  Anyway, back to the journey, or lack of journey really.  Paul said at the beginning that there were many trails leading in many directions and the only way to fail was to stay in the trailhead parking lot.  I feel like I picked a nice quiet and uninspired path, walked 10 yards to a convienent bench, and sat down to read.  The problem with this is that I am having trouble having a problem with it!  Sure, I want to 'suceed', but I have yet to find any value in pushing my comfort zone.  My small life is good.  Too many people, too much noise, too many distractions and I can't function.

So, what is this post about?  It's me rambling and trying to 'talk' my way into a decision or a feeling or an action.  btw, it's not working.  Maybe my journey was just to realize that I had already arrived, but didn't know it.