How to stay foolish, and my emotional sense of smell

Tonight I read a copy of a commencement speech given by Steve Jobs.  In it he referenced The Whole Earth Catalog, a publication I had quite frankly never heard of.  He desribes the back cover of an issue in the 70's as having a photo of the open road with the quote "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish."  His description of it, and the way he used this quote to sum up his own philosophy of the importance of following your passion left me with the overwhelming need to see this image.

Digital archiving and the internet to the rescue.  It was odd scrolling the pages with listings so diverse I won't even try to describe them, you'll have to experience it for yourself.  The odd part was I suddenly smelled old books.  Just looking at the typewriter typeface and the microfiche-y edges to the scans made me think of something that has been around longer than me.  Not much longer, the issue with the image I was hunting for was from 1971, but still old enough to have that musty-pile-of-magazines-in-the-back-room smell.  I have always found old books to hold immediate appeal, and many of my most 'new' ideas or revelation causing works have been stumbled upon in titles no longer in print.

The catalog itself is not profound.  Ambitious and unique for its time I read, but fun more than anything.  Something I never would have found if not for the Steve Jobs speech being provided as a piece for potential reflection.


The image is grainy and reminds me of my parents pre-kids polaroid photo albums, full of slightly unrealistic colors and adventures they kissed goodbye when I was born.

But back to the tagline, Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.  According to Jobs it refers to living your life and not being trapped by the thinking of others, of boldly doing and trusting that it will all work out in the end.  How can I 'stay foolish' when I have spent my whole life fearing making the wrong choices, or of being selfish in a way that would threaten my security or that of my family.  Can a person intentionally learn to 'be' foolish? 

I'm not saying I haven't made stupid choices, but that's not what it's about.  Foolish in this context is perhaps better defined as doing what the world might deem stupid or inappropriate, but doing it anyway because it is right for you.  Which brings me back to the question I have had since beginning the Journey program, what is right/important for me?  Reflection so far has only pointed out what is not.

Book thoughts: Leadership from the inside out - Introdution

"Whether we are at an early stage in our career, a mid-level manager, or a senior executive, we are all CEOs of our own lives".  (p. 22)

Really makes it hard to blame the current state of my life on externalities...if by 'clarifying [my] inner identity, purpose and vision so [my life] thereafter is dedicated to a more conscious, intentional manner of living and leading' (p. 27) I can find greater satisfaction with what I have, or the courage to take the bold steps to change it,  I am (extremely tentatively) on board.

I have always considered self-help and positive thinking to be pathetic wastes of time and/or money, but I have begun to recognize lately, even before beginning Journey, that it is easy to make fun of things I am unwilling to try.  It's like stating that something I've never tasted is 'disgusting', another bothersome habit I must own up to.

So, this chapter made me wonder if I am really ready to jump on the insideout/outsidein train to sunshine and rainbows in my life.  I am more than skeptical of success, I am cynical towards the very process.  Sit and listen to my non-judgmental mind?  Really?  What if once my mind settles and I pose the big questions of What is it that is really important to me? and What is the life I want to live? there is just a blank void of space with the occasional unpaid bill flitting through?  Again I wonder if it is possible to fail at self-reflection.

This books claims that it will help me face my toughest challenges and 'lean into the light'.  I'm hoping a good night of sleep will quiet the snarky voice in my mind laughing at that claim.  One of the things I hope to work with a coach on during the Journey is to be open-minded and to honestly explore the various paths open to me as part of the program.  Even though I know that my sarcasm and negativity make me unhappy, they have been my shield against situations that I felt were beyond my control and abandoning them seems both frightening and a little bit stupid.

It's only the Introduction and I'm already nervous.

Plenty to think about

So, I survived my public speaking, kindof.  I could feel the red on my face, so that's always pleasant.  Paul Biwan, the faciliator, commented that even for those of us who struggled, in the environment we were supported and that was why everyone was able to get through it, we knew that our audience would be patient.  Many people commented that they disliked speaking to a group, so at least I had company in my misery.

The day as a whole was very interesting.  We were given several resources as we choose our initial path.  Six suggested starting points are listed in the handbook, and also the books Good to Great and Leadership from the Inside Out.  Then it was said that everything suggested in the workshop should be considered as an invitation.  There won't be time to accept and take advantage of all the invitations, but by honestly and diligently pursuing a few you'll get more from the experience.

It was kind of surreal.  Information with no assignments, no solid expectations other than to grow as a person.  I'm somehow more nervous than I was this morning.  What if I fail at self-improvement?  Past experience has shown introspection to be an exhausting and sometimes painful process.  I'm hoping once I read through the workbook and pick a first step I will feel less daunted by the process of bushwacking a trail through all the possibilities I've always considered too hard...

The Journey begins today

So, I'm a little nervous about the new training I am starting today.  It's not your usual prescriptive workshop where you come away with some specific things to try, it's a four month "Journey into Leadership" which is really about finding your own path to being a leader in your own life, which has nothing to do with your position.

I have to give a 2-3 minute introduction and I really hate talking in front of groups.  I spent some time last night writing and then typing what I thought I wanted to say, but today I think it sounds too stuffy and speechy and, did I mention I hate talking in front of groups?