That's right, I bucked up and did not call in fake-sick *cough* *cough* to today's session. There was definitely dancing and it was somewhat uncomfortable. But there were also tiny moments when I felt like a different person, lighter on my feet - literally.
The message itself was artfully done, showing examples through different dance exchanges of how people interact in life, both as leads and as 'follow-throughs'. The distinction between a follower and a follow-through is that a follow-through is an active part of the process, without whom there is no completion. Anyway, I can't do Barbara's message justice, it was so smooth and effortless - just like her dancing. She was also really funny, praising our beautiful moves while a chorus of "oops, I'm sorry about your foot" rang through the room.
For me, the most thought-provoking part of the session was actually on break, when one of the other journeyers and I were discussing our discomfort and I stated that I was 'okay' with the fact that I was not graceful and could not dance, and that I had never tried to change that. She asked me if that was true in other parts of my life, that I don't even try things that I think I will not be great at.
I've had that thought about myself before, but just as I did then, I wonder now if it is a character flaw to not branch out and try things I see as doomed to failure, or if it is just part of my practical, efficient character to not waste energy in areas I will never be exceptional in. More thinking to do on that one I guess.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Finding Satisfaction
My coaching goal this week is to notice the things in my life that bring me satisfaction. It's a much better goal that a few weeks ago when I focussed on all the small things at work that were putting me in a bad mood. I think writing them down made it worse, plus it made me feel like as much of a bad-attitude-complainer as the people I was complaining about!
So - here are a few of yesterday and today's 'moments of satisfaction'
- surprising Lawrence with a buffet-style dinner (his favorite)
- watching Mike and Lawrence play baseball
- finishing an assignment for my class
- having all the travel arrangements for the conference finalized
- a whole day where I asked every single student I saw something about their life outside academics
- I did not go out for Yogurt Extreme at lunch
- cleaned off a file that has been on my desk forever
- decided not to go to a documentary in Newberg (no stressful rush hour/nighttime driving, get home before 10, Lawrence doesn't have to go and be bored to tears)
It is much more fun to focus on what makes me happy than what was driving me nuts, and I don't feel as bothered by all that other nonsense as much this week either - coincidence?
So - here are a few of yesterday and today's 'moments of satisfaction'
- surprising Lawrence with a buffet-style dinner (his favorite)
- watching Mike and Lawrence play baseball
- finishing an assignment for my class
- having all the travel arrangements for the conference finalized
- a whole day where I asked every single student I saw something about their life outside academics
- I did not go out for Yogurt Extreme at lunch
- cleaned off a file that has been on my desk forever
- decided not to go to a documentary in Newberg (no stressful rush hour/nighttime driving, get home before 10, Lawrence doesn't have to go and be bored to tears)
It is much more fun to focus on what makes me happy than what was driving me nuts, and I don't feel as bothered by all that other nonsense as much this week either - coincidence?
Stalled
Call it what you want - lack of motivation, fear of the unknown, general indecisiveness...whatever you call it, I'm not making any forward motion.
I am doing a lot of thinking. I am realizing that I have to learn to accept some things in both my professional and personal life if I am going to find a way to be happy with my life as a whole. I am working with my coach, I am reading the books, reflecting when asked, but -
I am still on my own though. I told myself that I would take the advice and 'reach out' to others during this journey. I have tried, kindof, a little. I do talk to people at the events, but I also retreat to pretending to have important messages on my phone if there is a big long pause where no one is near me. I'm not walking up to anyone and saying 'hi, I remember from your introduction that you like cats, I like cats too. Want to talk about our reactions to the book Good to Great?' and the awkward quality of that exchange is exactly why I am not. I can't even imagine it going better, but, oh, I know it could go so much worse.
I feel like the journey should be about stretching myself, being out of my comfort zone and growing. I feel like I am not a very successful journeyer. I don't like not feeling successful, but in a way I am not surprised.
I am a sidewalk walker off on a bushwhacked trail. I'm really just trying to figure out how to the the hell bakc to the sidewalk!! My past and present define me. I am a military veteran, educated as an engineer who loves to be home with my family and read books. I do not have truly close friends. I call my mother out of obligation and haven't had more than Facebook-comment interaction with my brother in years. It doesn't bother me though, they don't know me and I probably don't know them really, so why put a lot of effort just to meet social expectations? I like lists and clear beginning and ends. In fact, I love beginnings and ends! That was one of the main reasons teaching was awesome, if it all went to hell in a handbasket, you could clean the boards in June and start with a totally different approach 2 months later. Similarly, I love moving, and New Years, and painting. Fresh starts!
Okay, I lost my train of thought there. Anyway, back to the journey, or lack of journey really. Paul said at the beginning that there were many trails leading in many directions and the only way to fail was to stay in the trailhead parking lot. I feel like I picked a nice quiet and uninspired path, walked 10 yards to a convienent bench, and sat down to read. The problem with this is that I am having trouble having a problem with it! Sure, I want to 'suceed', but I have yet to find any value in pushing my comfort zone. My small life is good. Too many people, too much noise, too many distractions and I can't function.
So, what is this post about? It's me rambling and trying to 'talk' my way into a decision or a feeling or an action. btw, it's not working. Maybe my journey was just to realize that I had already arrived, but didn't know it.
I am doing a lot of thinking. I am realizing that I have to learn to accept some things in both my professional and personal life if I am going to find a way to be happy with my life as a whole. I am working with my coach, I am reading the books, reflecting when asked, but -
I am still on my own though. I told myself that I would take the advice and 'reach out' to others during this journey. I have tried, kindof, a little. I do talk to people at the events, but I also retreat to pretending to have important messages on my phone if there is a big long pause where no one is near me. I'm not walking up to anyone and saying 'hi, I remember from your introduction that you like cats, I like cats too. Want to talk about our reactions to the book Good to Great?' and the awkward quality of that exchange is exactly why I am not. I can't even imagine it going better, but, oh, I know it could go so much worse.
I feel like the journey should be about stretching myself, being out of my comfort zone and growing. I feel like I am not a very successful journeyer. I don't like not feeling successful, but in a way I am not surprised.
I am a sidewalk walker off on a bushwhacked trail. I'm really just trying to figure out how to the the hell bakc to the sidewalk!! My past and present define me. I am a military veteran, educated as an engineer who loves to be home with my family and read books. I do not have truly close friends. I call my mother out of obligation and haven't had more than Facebook-comment interaction with my brother in years. It doesn't bother me though, they don't know me and I probably don't know them really, so why put a lot of effort just to meet social expectations? I like lists and clear beginning and ends. In fact, I love beginnings and ends! That was one of the main reasons teaching was awesome, if it all went to hell in a handbasket, you could clean the boards in June and start with a totally different approach 2 months later. Similarly, I love moving, and New Years, and painting. Fresh starts!
Okay, I lost my train of thought there. Anyway, back to the journey, or lack of journey really. Paul said at the beginning that there were many trails leading in many directions and the only way to fail was to stay in the trailhead parking lot. I feel like I picked a nice quiet and uninspired path, walked 10 yards to a convienent bench, and sat down to read. The problem with this is that I am having trouble having a problem with it! Sure, I want to 'suceed', but I have yet to find any value in pushing my comfort zone. My small life is good. Too many people, too much noise, too many distractions and I can't function.
So, what is this post about? It's me rambling and trying to 'talk' my way into a decision or a feeling or an action. btw, it's not working. Maybe my journey was just to realize that I had already arrived, but didn't know it.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Bring in the coach
Ugh, small talk. I am abysmal at small talk. I dread meeting strangers and fumbling for appropriate words to connect. It's wonderful when the other person has the ability to set me at ease and fills in the quiet spaces.
Today I had my first coaching session and it was both different and better than I had expected. My coach, Liz, is great. She started off by giving me a page about coaching (something to hold in nervous hands and to study in moments of panic) and by saying that she has the questions, and the answers are within me. I really liked that.
We had a long, mostly one-sided in my favor, conversation where I got to talk through some of the things I am concerned about and wanting to change. I gave voice to something I have thought for awhile now, I am not an advisor. Sure, that is my title and I do give advice about what classes to take, but to me, advisor implies someone who can listen, who can support you on your path and help turn you if you head off track. Liz asked me what my title should be and I said 'student support specialist'. That better encompasses the paperwork and robotic method to most of my days work. I do get to talk and connect with students on occasion, but it is too rare. My office annoyances all seemed to be around little things that sounded silly when said aloud. Made me wonder why I let myself get worked up about things I don't even care about - I think it has more to do with ensuring that I retain some small measure of power/value within the office than anything.
We also talked about communication, or lack thereof in my department and how it frustrates me. She asked me why I couldn't just go up to someone and ask them what it is they do and I had to admit that it is my problem - I worry they will not be interested in talking with me, or that it will be awkward, or turn in to a complaint-fest. I'm not sure what to do about that. Liz suggested maybe I could set up a larger get-together for people to talk and share about themselves, but I'm not sure I am comfortable doing that.
Another thing that struck me was the idea that the voice in my head isn't always truthful. Negative speculation or thoughts may have no basis in fact, and by treating them as though they are, I give them power over me. I need to think more about that.
My assignment for this week is to keep a list of when I feel negative - what happened right before hand, what is it about, etc. The hard part will be to just write it down, not analyze or try to correct, just notice and record. We'll meet again next week to work through (scary!) the list.
So, yes, I had to talk to a stranger. I was sweaty (and red faced most likely) and picking at my nails. But I survived, and I was able to share a concern with another human being without worrying that they won't care or will judge me or 'tell' someone to get me into hot water. Here's hoping I can get a clearer picture of where I am headed over the next few weeks.
Today I had my first coaching session and it was both different and better than I had expected. My coach, Liz, is great. She started off by giving me a page about coaching (something to hold in nervous hands and to study in moments of panic) and by saying that she has the questions, and the answers are within me. I really liked that.
We had a long, mostly one-sided in my favor, conversation where I got to talk through some of the things I am concerned about and wanting to change. I gave voice to something I have thought for awhile now, I am not an advisor. Sure, that is my title and I do give advice about what classes to take, but to me, advisor implies someone who can listen, who can support you on your path and help turn you if you head off track. Liz asked me what my title should be and I said 'student support specialist'. That better encompasses the paperwork and robotic method to most of my days work. I do get to talk and connect with students on occasion, but it is too rare. My office annoyances all seemed to be around little things that sounded silly when said aloud. Made me wonder why I let myself get worked up about things I don't even care about - I think it has more to do with ensuring that I retain some small measure of power/value within the office than anything.
We also talked about communication, or lack thereof in my department and how it frustrates me. She asked me why I couldn't just go up to someone and ask them what it is they do and I had to admit that it is my problem - I worry they will not be interested in talking with me, or that it will be awkward, or turn in to a complaint-fest. I'm not sure what to do about that. Liz suggested maybe I could set up a larger get-together for people to talk and share about themselves, but I'm not sure I am comfortable doing that.
Another thing that struck me was the idea that the voice in my head isn't always truthful. Negative speculation or thoughts may have no basis in fact, and by treating them as though they are, I give them power over me. I need to think more about that.
My assignment for this week is to keep a list of when I feel negative - what happened right before hand, what is it about, etc. The hard part will be to just write it down, not analyze or try to correct, just notice and record. We'll meet again next week to work through (scary!) the list.
So, yes, I had to talk to a stranger. I was sweaty (and red faced most likely) and picking at my nails. But I survived, and I was able to share a concern with another human being without worrying that they won't care or will judge me or 'tell' someone to get me into hot water. Here's hoping I can get a clearer picture of where I am headed over the next few weeks.
Boldly going...
Today I did something out of my comfort zone. I sent in a proposal for a presentation at the regional NACADA (an international advising community) conference. I hate speaking in public, but for once thought maybe I had something worth saying and no one else could say it.
At OSU I am a member of the Veteran Workgroup, and it is this amazing, dynamic and tireless group of people, most of which are NOT veterans, who are working to make the experience of that particular subgroup of students better. The group around the table represents all corners of campus and has helped OSU grow to be seen as the leader in the veteran service effort in Oregon. Go us!
So, I'm part of this great process, with both success and failure behind us, with hope and challenge ahead, and I thought - it's a story worth telling. I am knowledgeable about it, and no one else from the group is going to this conference. A few succinct (yes, I am capable of being brief...) paragraphs and one click of the mouse and off it went into cyberspace.
It may not be selected. I might not have to build up the further courage to actually TELL the story out loud. But I am proud of myself for putting the idea out there and saying that I am open to the opportunity. Part of me (a fairly sizable percentage) wants to pull it back and say 'just kidding!' but it's done.
Just writing the proposal made me realize how proud I am of what this group has accomplished, I am a small player but I get to share in the greater vision and success. It's not just a meeting every third Thursday, it's shared selfless service to make the student experience better. That to me, is what advising should be about, not just confirming course selections and issuing registration PINs, but working to make a difference for individual students.
At OSU I am a member of the Veteran Workgroup, and it is this amazing, dynamic and tireless group of people, most of which are NOT veterans, who are working to make the experience of that particular subgroup of students better. The group around the table represents all corners of campus and has helped OSU grow to be seen as the leader in the veteran service effort in Oregon. Go us!
So, I'm part of this great process, with both success and failure behind us, with hope and challenge ahead, and I thought - it's a story worth telling. I am knowledgeable about it, and no one else from the group is going to this conference. A few succinct (yes, I am capable of being brief...) paragraphs and one click of the mouse and off it went into cyberspace.
It may not be selected. I might not have to build up the further courage to actually TELL the story out loud. But I am proud of myself for putting the idea out there and saying that I am open to the opportunity. Part of me (a fairly sizable percentage) wants to pull it back and say 'just kidding!' but it's done.
Just writing the proposal made me realize how proud I am of what this group has accomplished, I am a small player but I get to share in the greater vision and success. It's not just a meeting every third Thursday, it's shared selfless service to make the student experience better. That to me, is what advising should be about, not just confirming course selections and issuing registration PINs, but working to make a difference for individual students.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Session 2 reflections
Well, when ponderous questions such as "Who am I" and "Why am I here" serve as the opening for a workshop, I know I am in trouble. I'm just not as comfortable putting my innermost thoughts into words as some people are I guess. I stuck to the safe, talk of job and past jobs, or family and education, rounded out by admitting that I'm still not sure about why I am here, and in a nod to honesty added that I was anxious that everyone else seems further on their path than me.
Shortly after Paul gave a talk where the main idea (at least for me) was that on a journey, everyone starts where they are and that is okay. It made me think of teaching where I used to say that wherever you are starting in (math/spelling/reading/etc) is fine, the only way to fail is to not move your skill level forward. I'd like to apply this to myself, but I don't know how to judge improvement when I haven't identified the subject area. So, although logically I know it is not a race and there is no grade, I am still having some anxiety about 'finishing' on time.
I really enjoyed the entire session and continue to be amazed at how calm and collected both Paul and Larry are when speaking. More about Larry's content later.
Shortly after Paul gave a talk where the main idea (at least for me) was that on a journey, everyone starts where they are and that is okay. It made me think of teaching where I used to say that wherever you are starting in (math/spelling/reading/etc) is fine, the only way to fail is to not move your skill level forward. I'd like to apply this to myself, but I don't know how to judge improvement when I haven't identified the subject area. So, although logically I know it is not a race and there is no grade, I am still having some anxiety about 'finishing' on time.
I really enjoyed the entire session and continue to be amazed at how calm and collected both Paul and Larry are when speaking. More about Larry's content later.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Dear Theresa, you're depressing!
One of the invitations before session 2 was to write a letter to yourself, to be sealed and delivered to you at the Journey's end.
Since I am still so unsure of what I hope to gain from this experience, I am trying to accept all invitations, I have a worry of 'doing it wrong' or 'missing something important' that will keep me from reaching whatever pinnacle it is I have yet to identify.
So, I wrote the letter today and it kind of turned into a journal and totally got away from me at points, but I tried to just let it flow unedited. Some of the things I wrote were hard to put in print, where someone might see them! I kept saying, "pen to paper, now! It's a letter to yourself, so you can see how much you grew in 4 months, not a manuscript for publication" but then I start thinking about the poor relatives who might have to suffer through my ramblings long after I'm gone and am reminded of why I do not keep a diary. The letter remains unshredded, invitation accepted, but I don't expect it to live long past its April delivery. The conversations I have with myself are not the perspectives I put forward as my identity, and I'd like to keep it that way. Plus, the letter was damned depressing.
Since I am still so unsure of what I hope to gain from this experience, I am trying to accept all invitations, I have a worry of 'doing it wrong' or 'missing something important' that will keep me from reaching whatever pinnacle it is I have yet to identify.
So, I wrote the letter today and it kind of turned into a journal and totally got away from me at points, but I tried to just let it flow unedited. Some of the things I wrote were hard to put in print, where someone might see them! I kept saying, "pen to paper, now! It's a letter to yourself, so you can see how much you grew in 4 months, not a manuscript for publication" but then I start thinking about the poor relatives who might have to suffer through my ramblings long after I'm gone and am reminded of why I do not keep a diary. The letter remains unshredded, invitation accepted, but I don't expect it to live long past its April delivery. The conversations I have with myself are not the perspectives I put forward as my identity, and I'd like to keep it that way. Plus, the letter was damned depressing.
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